First I’d like to take a moment and apologize for being late; we decided to have our family Thanksgiving on Friday rather than Thursday, since two of our cousins were coming in from out of town. We were drinking, laughing, talking, and having very inappropriate conversations until I was finally able to get a ride home at 3 a.m. Sir was a little annoyed that I didn’t get it done yesterday, but I was working from 8:30 a.m. (which meant I had to catch the bus at around 7:40) until nearly 3, so I just wasn’t home. By the time I got home, I had to get to bed, since I also had to work today. Today’s shift was only supposed to be four hours, but we wound up short-handed and having shifts to cover, and so I was asked to work until 9:30. I just got home a little over an hour ago as of now (it’ll probably be closer to two and a half hours by the time I’m done with this).
Luckily for me Sir is very understanding. 🙂
So moving on, I’ve been thinking a lot about how new submissives tend to find themselves in trouble, and I kind of wanted to address one of the issues that I’ve seen.
Many times, I’ve heard of situations where a submissive enters into a relationship with a person who calls themselves a dominant, and eventually the “dominant” begins demonstrating some very undesirable traits, like using especially harsh “punishments” (in which they actually inflict real damage, like broken/fractured bones or lacerations), and shutting down any objection to their abusive behavior like stating that they’re the “dominant” and the person they’re abusing is their property and so they can do whatever they want. These submissives then come to believe this is normal for BDSM, so in many instances they wind up getting very hurt (or worse), or they walk away from the lifestyle altogether.
They fail to realize that one of the most important things about a D/s relationship is consent. Until a submissive signs a contract stating otherwise or receives some other symbol of being owned (such as a collar), he or she retains ownership of their body, and is the driving force between every aspect of the relationship in which he or she is involved.
As anyone who has been reading this blog knows, I am in a 24/7 D/s relationship with a Dominant. He considers me a prized possession, not necessarily his “property”. I still have rights. I consent to the types of punishments he can use for me; for example, I consent to nothing that completely covers my body and restricts my movement (like a latex suit or something similar), nothing that covers my face completely, no permanent damage or marks that wouldn’t normally be covered by clothing, nothing sexual (so no orgasm denial), and nothing that involves being shut up in small spaces (as I’m mildly claustrophobic). Beyond this, none of my hard limits (such as no scat or urine and no sharing or public humiliation) can be used. It’s also better if he never raises his voice to me, because it can be triggering for me.
These things aren’t specifically in my contract, but Sir and I have discussed them and agreed to them.
I consent to Sir using a belt on me because I know he will never go too far. He is super careful when he punishes me with his belt, because he knows he could really hurt me, and that’s the last thing he ever wants to do. This is the only kind of physical discipline he is allowed to use on me. He is not allowed to use any other implements except for his belt, and he never uses his belt for pleasure.
Sir is allowed to use writing assignments as punishment. This one is especially harsh for me since I’m already a full-time student, an aspiring writer, and have this blog, and on top of that I’ve now added a job. Needless to say, I tend to do whatever I can to avoid him giving me this punishment!
Sir can also “ground” me from certain things, or restrict my usage of things that I love. He’s only used this once, and it was effective enough that I can pretty much guarantee won’t ever break the rule that led to this particular punishment again!
Now here’s the thing though: Sir cannot use any punishments on me at all, unless he can tell me exactly what I did wrong, and show how whatever it is doesn’t have any place in our relationship. He can never punish me out of anger or frustration. If he’s going to use physical punishment on me, he must be completely sober and calm.
Unlike discipline, which is normally used more or less just for fun, I’m not allowed my use of safe words while being physically punished. However, the only reason that this is acceptable is because I’ve already agreed to the terms of the punishments and what types of behavior/actions they’ll be used to correct. In all other cases, safe words should be mandatory.
I know I’ve said it many times before, but if you are new to the lifestyle and you are a submissive, please run far away from any “dominant” who ever tells you that you don’t need safe words! You always, always, always do, and it’s always better to have one and not need it, than to not have one and wind up getting hurt… or worse.
Now as far as funishment (which I may sometimes call discipline, even though it’s not exactly the same thing), Sir can use any implements that he wishes to use on me. However, there are places on my body that he has to avoid (such as areas not normally covered by clothing, and places where actual harm can come to me from impact play), I am allowed to use my safe words at any time, and he must always be both calm and sober when he wishes to use any implements on me. He cannot take out any anger or frustration on me (nor would he, even if I consented to him doing so). He must pay close attention to my body language during discipline, and stop immediately if anything about my reactions show that I’m not enjoying myself.
Sir has my consent to slap me on various parts of my body, including my face, ass, and breasts. However, he must never hit me with all of his strength, can never leave any marks on my face, and can never hit me out of anger or for any other reason than us having a session. Slapping outside of a session is absolutely not allowed. He is, however, welcome to leave any kind of marks he wants on my ass and breasts.
All of these things have been negotiated by Sir and me throughout the length of our relationship. We are constantly discussing information that we both find that pertains to the lifestyle, general topics we encounter on forums, and new things that we discover. I would say that our relationship is pretty typical for a healthy D/s dynamic, because I do not feel that I have anything to fear, and I don’t believe for a second that Sir would ever intentionally harm me during a session, and perhaps not ever at all in any situation (I’m still trying to have enough trust in a person to believe that!).
Communicating about what kinds of punishment and discipline are allowed and why/why not before ever entering into any kind of permanent relationship with someone claiming to be a dominant is extremely important. We have to protect ourselves. You can’t just latch on to someone who calls themselves a dominant and assume that they’ll have your best interests at heart and that they’ll actually do everything they can to protect you and please you while you serve them. There are predators among us. Take the steps that you can to prevent falling prey to them before it happens!
Anyway, this is all I’ve got tonight. It’s almost 1 a.m. and my feet are still throbbing, and I think I’d really like to finish smoking this bowl I started a little bit ago, and perhaps relax a bit with Sir before I wind up falling asleep. I’m beyond exhausted and badly in need of a good night’s sleep!
Thanks as always for reading, and all comments/questions are welcome!
Oh, and happy late Thanksgiving to any American readers out there!